Ok, so let's get this thing started. Think about this for a minute: You are dead. Quiet, isn't it? And probably rather dark as well. Also, I've heard it's fairly cold. A bit lonely, I'd imagine, too. No one to talk to, no one to hold hands with or fall in love with or any of that whatnot. No one to even complain to about how quiet and cold and dark and lonely it is. Except maybe your worm friends. But one tends to make for lousy conversation when he's burrowing a hole in your skull. Mouth full of bine and brain tissue and so forth. Altogether, it's not exactly the typical person's idea of a Dream Getaway, is it?

Yet, despite all of this rampant horribleness, many people believe that Death is, more often than not, a Good Thing. Whether this belief stems from religious, social, educational, or national attitudes is not yet known. Such is probably a leading cause as to why Death is so darn common these days. Maybe it's our upbringing. Maybe it's the media. Maybe it's instilled in our minds at birth. Whatever the cause, more and more people seem to find the idea of Death more and more appealing each day. Why, just last week I met a small insect that I thought deserved a quick infection of dying.

Shootings, heart attacks, bombs, insect bites, plane wrecks, even unruly toaster ovens can bring about this unfortunate disorder. Experts are still not sure of the origin of Death, but are certain that its history leads back to as early as 5,000,000 B.C. Some scientists have even found evidence supporting the idea that Death existed billions of years before before mankind's arrival on this planet.

Now, you may feel yourself thinking "Hey! What kind of sucker does this guy take me for?? I wasn't born yesterday, you know..." No, you probably weren't born yesterday. But you may die tomorrow. Don't believe me? Read the obituaries in your local newspaper sometime. Look at all of those people! Alive and kicking (albeit, statistics prove, geriatrically so) one day, completely dead the next! Yes, completely dead.
So, one's natural reaction to such a discovery would be, "What can I do about the growing problem of Death in the world?" The answer is much less complex than you think. It consists of two easy guidelines:
1. Don't kill anything.
2. Don't die.

"Gee-whiz!" you're probably saying to yourself, "Why didn't I think of that?! I must be some kind of moron." Well, it's simple, really. You are some kind of moron.. But that doesn't matter. Let's get down to the core of this thing...following these simple, yet effective, instructions.

The first one seems simple enough, doesn't it? Let's take it apart and examine the pieces: "don't," meaning "do not", or "the absence of doing" (depending on how existentialist you feel at the given moment); "kill," meaning "to bring death upon"; and "anything," meaning "anything". In essence, it means don't make anything die. By killing something or someone, you are making them die, and bringing the number of dead things upwards. This is, as we discussed earlier, a Bad Thing To Do.

The second instruction is where things tend to get sticky. Again, "don't," with more or less the same meaning as before, and "die," meaning "to die". This guideline is often met with some difficulty as many people are often not held responsible for their own death. However, if everyone would follow Guideline Number One, this problem could be nearly eliminated. In other circumstances, one would be wise to take precautions to not die.

"But how could I avoid death?" you might ask. "Isn't is just another part of life?" Well, yes. But that doesn't automatically make it a Good Thing, does it? Puberty, if you have noticed, is an inevitable phase of life, almost as common as death. Yet, I challenge you to find a single person who found it an enjoyable experience. If you think you have found one, then I must assure you, that is not a human. That is an alien.

However, unlike puberty, death can often be delayed...frequently, very simply so. Such inventions as pacemakers, iron lungs, CPR, Ambulances, coffee makers, and those really cool machines that go "ZAP-KATHOOOOOMP!" that doctors use on TV a lot can help extend your life one, two, even as many as five years! Think of all you could accomplish in that spare time...all the TV you could watch, all the baccarat you could play, all the dangerous-looking teenagers you could avoid and sneer at. So, to summarize: death is bad. Sad, isn't it...all those words, and that's all I could get across to you people. That's so depressing I could make myself die.