Dear Diary,

Why are the so-called “Express” lanes in grocery stores usually the slowest ones? Most people define the word “express“ as, speedy, quick and even fast. Unfortunately, grocery stores don’t seem to agree. Remember the antacid commercial that asked “How do you spell ‘relief’?” Well, grocery stores must spell “express”, C-R-E-E-P!

Grocery stores seem to put their slowest clerks on the express lanes. They must think that since these clerks will be checking out people with only a few items, that they won’t do much harm. Guess again.

I was in one express line where the clerk was moving so slowly, that I was tempted to call 911 to have his vital signs checked. I kept looking to see if he was still breathing. I honestly began to wonder if there was any blood flowing through his veins. I kept wanting to say to him, "You know the store sells a great product called 'Geritol'. Maybe you should try it." But I didn't want to be rude.

I remember the cartoons where Bugs Bunny kept taking a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Well, I used to live in Albuquerque and I wonder if I took a wrong turn when I left. By the looks of this checker, I must have ended up in the land of the zombies. "Hey, Bugs pass me that map when you're finished. I'm definitely in the wrong place."

You know, I once worked with a person who nickname was “Reverse” because someone said, “If he moved any slower, he'd be going in reverse.” Well, this clerk could have given “Reverse” some pointers. This is one person who NEVER has to worry about getting a speeding ticket.

Now I know that some “Express” checkers are fast; however, they definitely appear to be in the minority. Oh well, so much for "express." "Hey someone pass me a magazine. No, one of the fat ones. I think we're going to be here for awhile."